Who is Boulder Creek Railroad?

Most of you will know me as Luke Towan, someone who builds dioramas and flies planes for a living, and while that is who I was I'm a different person now compared to the old person.  

Some of you may have already figured it out, but for the past few months I have been transitioning! For those not familiar with the term it means to live in the gender that best aligns with how you identify.
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For me that means leaving behind my old male self and transitioning into my desired female gender.

Gender transition:
Gender transition is the process of changing one's gender presentation or sex characteristics to accord with one's internal sense of gender identity – the idea of what it means to be a man or a woman, or to be non-binary, genderqueer, bigender, or pangender, or to be agender. Wikipedia

People are often diagnosed with gender dysphoria however it's not the only reason for someone to change their gender identity. Not everyone who is transgender is necessarily diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

For a lot of people it's a journey of self discovery and for me it's a journey I've been dealing with since my early 20's.

Stress, depression and anxiety are all symptoms that many transgender people deal with every day, and it's what I was dealing with in the years leading up to the point I decided to transition. These symptoms are insidious and creep up on you without you even realising.

Before you know it your wondering why your life seems to be falling apart and crumbling around you... Except to someone on the outside there should be no reason to be unhappy!
I've got a beautiful wife and child, who I absolutely love and will cherish and love until the day I die 🥰 a great job that I love, a relatively successful YouTube channel, a house... There should be no reason to be stressed, anxious and depressed but for some reason I was 😟

Gender Dysphoria:
Gender dysphoria (GD) is the distress a person experiences due to a mismatch between their gender identity—their personal sense of their own gender—and their sex assigned at birth. Wikipedia

On my search for self discovery I always knew there was that feeling in the back of my mind that I had some sense of identity incongruence, I just didn't understand what it truly meant. When I did start to understand I was already down a path in my life that had made it very difficult to change.

There are societal expectations that get forced upon you whether you like it or not, which is fine provided your identity aligns with those expectations, which for 95% of us that holds true. But for the rest of us it leaves us in a really challenging situation, and unfortunately those expectations can be so overpowering that some transgender people end up taking their own lives.

And it's not their fault!

Society needs to change, but how can we change if those in power aren't listening or willing to listen, and those who simply don't care because they don't understand or they don't want to understand the internal battle that transgender people fight every day. It's these societal road blocks that keep you questioning if you should just shut up and hide it away, can I live a life of depression and regret just so society sees me as a NORMAL person...

So I kept pushing it away, my internal transphobia told me to hide it, never let anyone see the true side of who you are because you'll be teased, ridiculed and hated. How could I possibly cope! Well, after a while of pushing aside those feelings and trying to hide from myself, everything came crashing down, one day it was just all too much and I knew something had to change.

I didn't do it alone, I had help from a doctor and psychologist, which I think is essential for anyone dealing with stress and depression let alone gender dysphoria!

For anyone dealing with gender dysphoria, or unsure of their identity I highly recommend talking to someone! Qlife are a great starting point, you can call them on the phone to talk or chat with them through web chat. They are a very good resource and can help guide you in the right direction.
Qlife

I'm not going to lie, it was hard. Coming to terms with truly realising who I was deep down was especially hard given that I've lived the last 39 years as someone different is very confronting. The hardest thing about it was telling those I love, my family 😥

But I knew it was the right thing to do, once I overcame the fear of expressing myself to my closest family I could start to feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I was less stressed and I felt at ease knowing that those I love and cherish know exactly who I am.
It didn't matter whether they agreed or even accepted me for the transgender person I am, it just mattered that they knew, luckily for me I have a family that are very understanding and loving no matter what, but I also understand not everyone is so fortunate. I've lost long time friends which sucks, but I know I'll make new connects and I already have!

There is a very friendly community of people online, I use Reddit a lot to share my feelings with like minded transgender people who understand and can help you get through the tough times. And for additional support especially if you have family who are strongly pushing back on you expressing your true self don't hesitate to reach out to a professional or try talking to Qlife.
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In the lead up to understanding my true self I was irritable, would react emotionally without control, had a short temper!

It was hard to get motivated to do anything, and for those who have followed my YouTube channel, for the past 4 years the videos have been inconsistent and I've had long breaks between content. All of those indicators were clues that something wasn't right. In the past 3 videos (all of the Simpsons videos), I've scattered small clues as to my gender identity, mostly by including transgender colour schemes but also leaving internet tabs visible that indicate transgender related topics, it's my way of slowly coming out to my audience.

I hope it doesn't effect the way many of you see my content, I'm not going to change the way I make and film videos, and I'll still be making and filming cool little dioramas and train modelling tutorials. I'll probably be less likely to show my face on camera, that's all. I won't turn it into any sort of agenda as well, just fun videos that I hope you will enjoy.

I hope to be an example for other transgender people who are afraid of expressing their true identity. And I hope to read your comments on my videos.

I will have a separate blog (not yet set up) talking more in detail about transitioning, it won't be for everyone but for those curious or for any other transgender people who are interested in following other peoples transitions, I'll have all the details there in terms of progress, dealing with the medical system and doctors, as well as results and future plans for things like electrolysis and surgeries.
It's a work in progress at the moment but I'll have a link here to take you there if you're interested. (It will be connected to this website but hidden in the background and only accessible through reading this page or if I share the link with you 😉)... for now anyway.

Signing off
Elle
aka Luke
aka Boulder Creek Railroad